“Free Radicals” in the U.S. douse corporate and government officials to get good climate deal
BY THEO GREENER
ATLANTA – In a dramatic turnaround, and to Europe’s delight and surprise, the United States has come to Copenhagen to lead the way with visionary policy changes and green technological innovations. Until now, the U.S. had blocked global efforts to solve the problem of climate change.
The profound shift in American policy was the result of months of constant, mass civil disobedience and direct action. There were twice-weekly sit-ins in Congressional offices, as well as an untold number of protests, which gained prominence thanks to a steady stream of media-savvy arrests.
This mass civil disobedience took many forms, and came from many sources. There was even a “disobedience database,” BeyondTalk.net, which helped to make civil disobedience acceptable to the mainstream.
But some of the strongest direct action came from a distinctly non-mainstream source: America’s populist militia movement. During the months leading up to Copenhagen, these “All-American” patriots better known for harassing immigrants took to dunking, dousing, and hosing down CEOs and policymakers they deemed guilty of contributing to global warming.
American militias have often been thought of as an extremist, right-wing, isolationist and xenophobic movement. “Minutemen” prowled the border with Mexico to capture illegal immigrants. Other militia groups conducted armed maneuvers to prepare for an expected invasion by the United Nations and “black helicopters.”
But the threat of total global climate chaos pushed these groups from conspiracy theory to deep ecology, aided by progressive activists who have made it a priority to speak with groups from across the cultural divide. By framing the climate crisis in terms of common survival and a common enemy, they alerted so-called “red state,” working-class and religious populations to the impending danger.
The result? American militia groups are attacking the problem by going straight to its source. And their actions have threatened the dignity of the top executives of the world’s most eco-destructive corporations by dousing them with water.
“If the ice shelves break off, as they’re starting to do, water levels will rise 11 feet,” said one Oregonian known only as ‘Vandal.’ “Every American is born with the sacred, God-given right to be underwater only if he or she chooses to be. If they’re going to take that right away from us, then, by Christ, we’ll take it away from them.” ‘Vandal’ then turned and joined a group of bikers from the Marauders Motorcycle Club to protectively patrol the perimeter of one of the United States’ last old growth forests.
“What was the Boston Tea Party? Breaking and entering! Felony property damage! Heck, this is just good clean all-American fun for the whole family!” exclaimed one militiaman in Philadelphia whose family had accompanied him to a corporate dousing.
“If climate change continues, we’re going to have the largest illegal-immigrant problem this world has ever seen,” said an Arizona militiaman. “It’ll be just like the hordes that threw out the Romans. The time to dunk is now.”
Last week executives of Alcoa, one of America’s worst polluters, were fully submerged in water during a shareholders’ meeting. Their meeting was interrupted by a bucket-bearing militia supported by renegade firemen, who turned their fire-hoses on the top brass on the elevated stage. A number of Armani suits were waterlogged beyond recognition.
“Yes, this is a $5,000 sharkskin suit, but that doesn’t mean it helps me to swim,” said a marketing executive as he tried to find the humor in a daunting situation. “I’ve taken to bringing snorkeling gear with me wherever I go, and it just looks ridiculous. I think we’re going to have to figure out greener ways to make aluminum. I really don’t want this to be part of my daily life anymore. The dry-cleaning alone is killing me.”
Leaders in Europe have been carefully watching the mass dousings across the Atlantic. Earlier this year, European activists threatened similar tactics, but the threats were never acted upon as European leaders moved quickly to do right by the planet. The leaders first made clear their intentions at the E.U. Heads of State meeting in Brussels in June, disappointing many activists from around Europe who were eager to revive a wide variety of local dousing traditions.
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