Atmosphere named world heritage site

BY HILLARY IONESCO

PARIS – The World Heritage Committee has officially declared the Earth’s atmosphere as the newest addition to its famous “World Heritage Sites.” Finally taking its place alongside such wonders as Chichen-Itza and the city of Fez, the atmosphere had long been rejected from inclusion in this list for what has been cited as “political differences.”

However, earlier this month the World Conservation Union, an advisory body to the World Heritage Committee, determined the atmosphere to be of “Outstanding Universal Value” and subsequently championed the atmosphere’s addition to the list of World Heritage Sites.

A commemorative plaque is set to be placed on the atmosphere by weather balloon as soon as possible, and immediate changes are being made to protect this universal resource.
“For years,” laments climatologist Richard Hower, “people have been abusing the atmosphere.” With its new status, restrictions will apply as to the amount of pollution, particularly CO2 and methane, which is allowed to enter the atmosphere.

“Until now, this site was completely unprotected,” reports climate expert Wu Chi. “Certain countries were treating it like a landfill, without regard for it as an international site of huge value and importance. As a World Heritage Site, the atmosphere is sure to get the protection it deserves.”

Within the guidelines for the atmosphere’s inclusion as a World Heritage Site, specific conditions are named in order to protect its sustained health. One such requirement, to keep its CO2 levels below 350 parts per million, was brought to the forefront of this year’s Copenhagen Climate Summit through thousands of coordinated grassroots actions. Riding on the coattails of this wave of popular support, the World Heritage Committee seized upon the opportunity to get the atmosphere protected by adding it to the list of World Heritage Sites.

World Conservation Union president Ian McWanger reported, “For a long time now we have been evaluating the atmosphere’s importance to the Earth. Through modern research involving lasers and balloons we are able to declare, without a doubt, that we need to protect the atmosphere, and that we haven’t been doing a very good job up to this point.” Indeed, CO2 levels in the atmosphere have risen as much as 22 percent in the past 50 years alone.

Lobbyists were quick to provide their own response to this highly popular legislation, by promising an equivalent amount of public funding to Exxon-Mobil, which has begun research to develop a new, petroleum-based atmosphere. This offer, and the offer by Shell to offset their pollution by protecting Mars’ atmosphere instead, were both met with such diverse and pervasive global backlash and boycotts that both companies have subsequently changed their names to “not-Philip-Morris” and “Clean Green Oils,” respectively.

With the atmosphere in the hands of public domain, residents of the world are finally free to walk through a field, gaze up at the protected sky, and breathe fresh air, with the knowledge that their skies and air will now be protected.
The World Conservation Union is “thrilled at this step that will help to uphold our group’s mission to conserve the world” and is looking into making the ocean a World Heritage Site also. “A gentleman from Not-Philip-Morris argued with me against recognizing the importance of the atmosphere. He said that the atmosphere isn’t cultural, so it isn’t within our purview,” said McWanger. “But, hey, I told him: No atmosphere, no humanity. No humanity, no culture. It’s a no-brainer.”